GETTING BACK TO A CHANGE MINDSET

While I write this, I’m on a flight from Amsterdam to Las Vegas, going to an exhibition for work. A perfect and very needed time to write, as I haven’t done so since my first and latest blog post. At least not concerning this blog. Not for a reason I’m proud of, though. But that is going to change. Yes, you heard that right. I used the word ‘change’, and knowing how important that word is for me now, I say it with reason and confidence. But I will also tell you why I did not write more blog posts; of course, this has everything to do with change. In my case, finding the way back to my ‘change mindset’.

"Go back to the beginning to find the truth of who you are"

When I launched this blog, I aimed to publish something every 2 weeks and highlight a different aspect of my journey of change. Describe the steps I took from the start and things I encountered and learned along the way (don’t worry, that will still come as I believe there is much to learn from it). Or I would write about something I ran into or came across concerning change that was worth writing about. However, I did not note that I was losing my focus on my change mindset and letting something take over my time, energy, focus, and emotions instead of using those for personal change and growth. This impacted what I should have done concerning this blog: write.

As I wrote in my first blog post, my change resulted from a breakup that ignited and kick-started that change. When we broke up, however, we still stayed in contact with each other, and we stayed that way for a couple of months. At some point, I decided it was best for me to end contact and focus on myself to process and get over the breakup. I got into a period where I was 100% focused on myself and my desire to change and grow. I heavily focused on self-development while processing getting over the breakup. It was one of the best periods of my life as I grew tremendously personally, and everyone around me told me they saw me change, without me asking them. I made big leaps forward.

After a little more than 2 months, however, my ex-partner contacted me again, stating she missed me and missed our contact. My instant response was mixed: excited and full of hope for a potential reconciliation, but also disturbed by the flow of change and growth, and the personal development I got into. My feelings for her, however, re-ignited, and this caused issues within myself. I had learned and enjoyed focusing on myself and seeing and feeling myself grow and change, reconnecting with so many people around me, accepting the breakup, and not needing to deal with the emotions, being in contact with my ex-partner. This whole idea was flipped on its head when she contacted me again. I did not want to give up this potential opportunity of reconciliation, even though I already felt this was impacting my personal change and growth. After about six weeks of contact, it became clear that she saw me as a friend, and after some back & forth on this topic with her, I decided to try the friendship, despite all the feelings that had ignited again. Despite the breakup, we always retained a connection, and the friendship still felt valuable to me.

For those who have been in such a situation or know people who have seen similar situations, being a friend after having a meaningful relationship, especially still having feelings, is not easy. Over time, the conflict of being a friend, while still having feelings for her, became a challenge. Not being able to get rid of the feelings for her by staying in contact with her, coupled with – without going into details - additional challenges between her and me, started to make me feel uneasy and conflicted with my so-called ‘core values’ (a topic I will talk about in the future). Some of my behaviours coping with these conflicts and uneasiness ignited from myself based on my so-called ‘attachment style’, which I identified last year and I’m healing from, but haven’t healed from yet fully, as that will take time (more about my attachment style and the ‘attachment theory’ in a future post). I longed back to my period of focusing on myself by not having the focus related to the friendship, my feelings, the additional challenges we faced, and all the frustration, uneasiness, and negative feelings it gave me. It was clear that being in contact again and trying to make a friendship work, still having those feelings and keeping that hope on reconciliation in the back, coupled with all the challenges and negative feelings as part of it, was taking a big chunk away of my focus to change and grow, and my personal development as a whole.

I also came across dynamics from her side; I had trouble dealing with it. Given my investment in figuring out myself and understanding my general patterns through the attachment theory, I also saw things clearly with her. Over time, this became a bigger and bigger issue for me, and I brought it up to her multiple times, but without any result from her side. I found excuses along the way to talk to myself to constantly give her time and the possibility to change or at least investigate together, not willing to give up. But as you can imagine, that only made it worse for me over time, as no or too little change happened and my conflicting and uneasy feelings. Until, at some point, I knew I had to choose for myself again and return to where I was before she contacted me again. To get back to my path of change. The only option I saw was to say farewell, not being in contact with her again, and go back to the point I was without her, and I could focus on my own again. This was around the time when I started this blog. It still took me three cycles of ‘giving it time’ to go through that process of saying farewell and retaking distance before I could do so. Yesterday, the day before I flew out to the exhibition, was the third time I made it clear to her, but the same towards myself, that I had to choose for myself and give myself time to heal and focus back on myself.

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." – Viktor Frankl

So that’s where I am now. Back to the same point where I was months ago regaining focus on myself and getting back to my journey of change, hoping to get back to the same situation where I saw a lot of change, growth and personal development, and continue processing getting over the breakup and letting go of a friendship with it now as well. But with many lessons along the way. I’m sure a number of them will be in future blog posts. Don’t get me wrong: that the dynamics did not work out does not mean she is a bad person. She has a heart of gold, and I still wish her the best. But without a change on her side, I would be staying in the same situation and dynamics, and I would keep myself hostage to my personal growth. I owe it to myself and all the other people around me that I cannot allow my personal growth to be held hostage. Ultimately, I have control over that, making the right decisions. But, looking back, I also would not have wanted to miss it, being friends, and the things I’ve learned along the way. I might not have figured out certain things without all this, so I’m also grateful for this period, despite it not being easy. But - and here it comes – if certain things don’t change, a decision needs to be made, especially if those keep impacting you or are limiting you from becoming a better person for yourself and the people around you.

It is a long intro to get to the core of all this: keep your focus on change! You will inevitably get into a period like mine where a situation, circumstance, process, person, or feeling will challenge your attitude towards change and limit you. Where you feel you’re not in a similar flow of change. Where you feel you’re not in control, where you feel you are not progressing at all, or not progressing at the same speed. When you feel you lose focus, drive, energy, joy, or hope in your journey of personal development: listen to this when you feel it or see it. Don’t let it get hold of your life and let it eat away at it more. You know exactly when this is because it will make you feel limited in pursuing change in yourself, and you don’t see the growth you had before, which adds to your frustration. Looking back, it impacted more and more elements in my life, and I should have seen all the signs earlier. Whether it was reading less about personal development topics, taking less time to sit down with myself and reflect, letting go of built-up rituals and habits, not focusing on and accomplishing my own set goals, and - going back to the beginning of this blog post - taking away my drive and focus to write. I’m not saying you won’t grow or change at all when this happens, but you know and feel you cannot give it your all, and you are limiting yourself. I was still changing and growing, but at a much lower pace. I let things slip by letting my focus be on someone (but this could also be something) else, and with that, I did not take good care of myself for too long a time.

My and your lesson: let your personal development, your change, and your growth not be limited by someone or something. Be honest with yourself and take the time to ask yourself this question once in a while: Am I still 100% committed to being first to benefit myself and people around me? Do I still have the same speed of change and growth? Stay true to yourself. I’m determined to take back the path I had earlier, where I had steep growth with a focus on myself. But with the lesson learned; I will not allow someone or something to have such an influence that it takes away my ability to change and grow. If it limits you, consider what you can change about it yourself. You’re in control. If someone is limiting you, bring it up, even if it is hard. Explain it to the person, and if possible, talk about it. If that person is willing to understand, engage, and change, great. You both are winners. If not, it is not your decision or something you can control. You can’t force someone to change (a wise lesson from stoicism, something I’ll address in a future blogpost). But you have to give it the possibility. If that person is unwilling to listen or interact about it, or is unwilling or unable to change in a way it will not limit you in your growth and change, you only have one option: let that person go. Even if that feels very hard to do. But you owe it to yourself and everyone around you.

I hear you think: Isn’t it selfish to be so committed and focused on yourself and leave people behind like that? No, not if you have given a person a genuine option to change. Only if you take good care of yourself can you take good care of others, and the opposite is also true: if you don’t take good care of yourself, you can’t take good care of the others around you. Deep in your heart you know you cannot make concessions on your growth and change. I’ve learned that the hard way. You can also see it this way: if you have a lot, there is much to give. It all starts with you. If something or someone limits your ability to change and grow, that either needs to change or has to be let go if change is not happening. It sounds harsh, but it is the truth.

"If you don't do the choosing, life will choose for you, and it may not be the choice you want." - Robert Anthony

Already gotten to a point where you lost focus, just like I did? There is always a way back, I just did the same. It goes back to the point when you first decided to change, that it needed to be different, that you could not go on like this. Go back to the period when you saw yourself grow and change rapidly, and imagine having that back. It helped me to get back to that point of that decision and feel it again, and be reminded that I made that choice and promise for a reason: to change and become the best version of myself. I should strive for that every single day and not being limited. It is a decision and nothing more than that. Yes, it is hard, and it might have consequences when making a decision. But not choosing also has its consequences. I bet you know which one is better. My decision was hard to make, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Do I still hope for reconciliation and that she will make that change and contact me again? Yes, sure: in the back of my mind and my heart, I still have that hope, and that’s a natural feeling to have right after taking such a decision. But I also know that that feeling will fade over time, and I know what I get back in return: change and growth and a much better version of myself. If you drifted away, take that decision again and return to the path of change and growth. You deserve it and you owe it to yourself and the people around you. You will see many more blog posts from me now. That change I can guarantee you. Keep changing!